I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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