Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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