Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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