Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
