Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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