I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
