I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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