I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
