i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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