The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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