I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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