ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
