you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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