So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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