2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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