Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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