hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
