you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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