Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
