There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
