oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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