I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
