How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
