he told me I talked like a deaf person
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
