I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
