sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
