never play flip cup with pint glasses
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
