Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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