so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
