Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
