I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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