Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
