you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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