if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
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I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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