Sacagawea was the original milf.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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