How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
