So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
