She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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