so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I touched a dick in church today
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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