I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
