You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
