One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
As shirtless as possible
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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