I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
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Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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