Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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