I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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