this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
