Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
