the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
