I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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