Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
