I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
