3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
