It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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