I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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