This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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