The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
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Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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