while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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