Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
